Fifty Shades of Grey vs. Magic Mike

Any woman of moderate intelligence has heard of the novel Fifty Shades of Grey.  I have read it. In fact, when I started reading it I hadn’t heard anything about it, only that it was a great read. Boy, was my face literally red when I started reading it while power walking on the treadmill at the gym. Thank GOD it was on my e-reader and no one could see what I was reading.

It is horribly written The actual plot is boring to mediocre – if there even is one.  It started out as Twilight fan fiction for goodness sake.  Why is it so popular? It full of sex and passion and whips and chains and lip biting.  It is a best seller.  Married women flock to it. Maybe because they are at a stalemate in their own sexual relationship. They forget what it is like to be wanted? They have hidden kinky desires? They want to see how the other half lives? They have horrible taste in books? Who knows!

To sum it up in a sentence: A woman is offered a chance to be with a man she may possibly have feelings for in exchange for being his sex slave. It has been called “mommy porn” and people have said that the high levels of sexuality in it will create a baby boom.

I 100% believe that there will be a baby boom within the next couple of years. I do NOT believe that it will be because of Fifty Shades of Grey.  There is something far greater that is coming…

It’s called Magic Mike. I don’t need to explain with words, only with the pictures below.

Do we really care if there is even a plot to this movie?

Oh, hi, Channing Tatum! Nice to meet you. How long do you think it would take me to lick you from head to toe?

“You know what I like about high school girls”…how about girls in their mid-20’s, Matthew McConaughey? How do you like us?!

…I would.

Look Mom! He’s even pretty with his shirt on.

Or at least maybe we should consider buying stocks in Duracell…

-          Smokie

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Call Me, Maybe? But Probably Not Meet Me…

Time for another rant! This has happened to both Lynx and I time and time again – you find a cute guy online. You message back and forth a couple times – really seem to carry conversation well – arrange to meet and it keeps getting put off. But they keep messaging you still, insisting they want to meet but never actually doing so, until you get bored and stop messaging them. Why do guys do this? This is a list of the excuses we have received, as well as some that we just think might be the real reasons:Image

1) “I am sorry, I am just really busy”… Unlikely. If they want to meet you, they will find the time. If they can’t find the time to meet you, how do they expect to find the time to actually date you if it goes well?

2) They actually live several provinces away. True story. So why bother messaging and pretending to arrange a time to meet in the first place? Why waste my time?!

3) Their pictures are not actually of them. It happens! Stupid insecure guys. Refer to our post on lies guys tell!

4) They have a girlfriend and need to find time to sneak around or need to see if you are worth it before they break up with their girlfriend. Yep. It’s happened. Sometimes these guys are actually good guys looking to get out of a not-so-good relationship, but they are the needy type that can’t be single and need to have something else lined up before they break it off.

5) They have gained weight and/or lost hair since their profile picture was taken. Here’s a novel idea: Why not use a recent photo and avoid this all together? But that might mean coming to the realization that you can no longer snag the hotties you could ten years ago. You are NOT Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused.

6) They are scared – of what?! I don’t know. Worst case scenario the date sucks and you go back to not talking to someone you didn’t know anyway.

7) You intimidate them. This is probably the #1 reason. Both Lynx and I are attractive (well we are!!!), intelligent individuals. We are educated and have careers and, to put it simple “We have our shit together”. We aren’t into fixing broken guys.

The point of the story is…don’t waste our time – or yours – if you never intend on actually meeting us. Yes, we get that sometimes guys just want attention too, but don’t get our hopes up. You just end up looking like a douche.

- Smokie

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Willing to Lie About How We Met

“Willing to Lie about How We Met” is a statement thatImage many guys write in their online dating profiles. This is a HUGE turn off for us! Why? Here are just a few reasons:

1)      Are you embarrassed that you are online dating? Would you be embarrassed if someone you didn’t know added you to Facebook and then asked you out? Isn’t it pretty much the same thing?

2)      You are asking me to lie. That doesn’t say much about you – asking me to lie before I have even met you. OK. So when you plot and murder an old man for the insurance money, do you expect me to cover for you then to?!

3)      If you are planning on lying about how we met, what else are you planning on lying about? Or have you already lied about? Clearly honesty is something that is not important to you.

In today’s society online dating is a form of Social Media. There is NOTHING to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. What IS embarrassing is being in your 30’s and ‘meeting’ someone at a night club by grinding up against them.

End rant!

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You Can’t Hurry Love…Make Sure You Creep Them on Facebook First!

Internet dating is completely different than meeting in person – for more than just the obvious reasons. Internet dating is the prejudging before you get to the ‘meet in person’ phase.  Most people know the phases of dating – First date, seeing each other, dating exclusively, a committed relationship and onward. With internet dating, the phases begin long before you even get to the first date.

1)      The Messaging Phase: Someone messages you. You view their profile. Not only are they cute, but they can spell most big words and their first message was something more clever and captivating than ‘nice turd cutter’ (an actual message that Smokie once received). The length of the messaging phase can vary, depending on the person, how often they log on, whether or not they have Facebook, etc. Don’t let this drag on too long though, because one person is bound to find someone else to message. Tip: If they can’t carry a conversation via a message, how do you expect them to in real life?

2)      The Facebook Phase: Adding each other to Facebook is important for many reasons – you get to see how many friends you have in common, at which point you can ask set friend about how big of a creep the other person is, and you can creep their pictures to figure out whether or not they actually look like the pictures they put on POF. Let’s face it, most people are shallow. And they have the right to be. Attraction is one of the most important things in a relationship! Creep them as much as you can – find out every detail of their life! Creep their pictures! Creep their status updates! Creep their ex-girlfriends! This is someone you could end up marrying, so you don’t want there to be secrets do you? OMG! In 2006, Johnny smoked a cigar when he was in Cuba with the boys. Totes not meeting him now. This phase tends to last the longest, until one person decides to delete the other during their yearly friend culling session. Tip: If they don’t have Facebook don’t automatically assume they are sketchy, it probably means that they are actually a really cool, normal person. Google them instead.

3)      The Texting Phase: After allowing someone to do their research and find out every single detail of your life, you might be ready to give them your phone number.  To call them and talk to them? No. Who does that anymore?!  To spend day after day texting each other to ask all of the questions could have been asked them in a five minute phone conversation. Much like messaging, don’t let this phase go on too long. Tip: Don’t accidentally send dirty texts to the person that are meant for someone else (a true story that probably deserves its own entire blog post).

4)      The Interview Phase: This is not the same thing as a first date. This is usually a quick cup of coffee or a beer where you can gauge the conversation, attraction level, etc. If a first date is evident, it usually occurs simultaneously. Coffee was great, so you go for a walk. Or to dinner. Or move to another bar for a drink. If things don’t go well, never have to see the person again and can say that you never even went on a date with them.  Tip: Never commit to something more than an hour for the interview phase. Dinners can be awkward, keep it simple so that you always have an out.

5)      The First Date: Dinner, a walk, bowling, whatever. A date is a date. You have most likely been on one before, so it doesn’t need to be described to you. This is where internet dating ends, and real dating begins.

If you can’t pick up on the huge amounts of sarcasm in this post, you probably shouldn’t be allowed to walk and chew gum at the same time.

That being said, these phases are a pretty accurate description of the progression of meeting someone on the internet!

The Boy is Mine…No wait, you can have him!

Almost every one of my single friends is on POF. Because Halifax is a small town, we send user names back and forth when we are chatting with a guy, just to make sure we don’t end up messaging the same people. No one wants to start a fight over a guy they don’t even know yet! Other times you want the confirmation “Yeah, he is cute”.

The best ‘boyfriend’ I ever had is gay cousin (hereafter to be referred to as CMcG). He lives in Hali, drives me everywhere, does my laundry, cooks me supper and is always there when I need him. He plays the role of a gay man very straight, and he is very attractive (it runs in the family) so a lot of ladies are horribly disappointed when they find out he likes boys. Hell, even Lynx has to tell him to stop flirting when she is drinking because she has a tendency to forget that he isn’t really intersted. And with that, a lot of people end up thinking he and I are in a relationship because we are always together.

Back before CMcG decided to up and leave the bachelor life behind and went and got himself a fantastical boyfriend, he and I used to spend Sunday nights vegging on his couch watching PVR’d episodes of Jeopardy and Will & Grace. And both would simultaneously be on our phones/laptops “Trolling the POF”.

I was chatting up a boy one Sunday evening. The typical elevator conversations. Hey, how are you, blah blah blah. Don’t remember, isn’t important, that isn’t the point of the story. He was cute enough that I wanted someone to reconfirm this for me. So I sent the  link to CMcG.

“OMG.” He says. “I am talking to the same guy!”

He showed me his phone. Yep. 100%. Dude was playing both sides!

Not that there is anything wrong with wanting it all, but it should be stated in the profile. Some people aren’t OK with that, and it isn’t something that you want to find out down the line.

A little known fact to some straight guys is that most gay men don’t want a bi-guy anymore than a girl does. Who wants to worry 100% of the time when they are out with friends whether or not it is ‘more than friends’? Or wonder if he thinks some guys butt is cuter than yours?

CMcG called him out on it.

The best part is that both CMcG and I even had pictures with each other in our profiles. CMcG pointed that out too.

Said User blocked us both.

C’est la vie. Another day in the life of online dating.

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Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies…Or Not.

 Lies people tell on POF:

Your pictures are of someone else: I have seen this time and time again. Someone thinks they are not attractive, so they post pictures of someone other than themselves. Usually these people are easy to spot from a mile away – the picture/pictures they have up pretty much resemble the ones that came in a picture frame. It gets trickier, however, when they steal pictures from other people and they have multiple pictures up. Don’t laugh! It happens. It gets even funnier when they steal pictures of someone you know. 

For example: One time, through a random search I see a picture of my cousin (female). Knowing full well she is in a relationship and lives in a small town that doesn’t get high-speed or regular internet service, I knew it wasn’t her. To top it off, she was listed as a female seeking another female. But mostly, the spelling mistakes gave it away. That sh*t doesn’t happen in our family.

Your pictures are outdated: You meet someone, they are cute. You add them to Facebook. Wow! Still cute. You meet them in person. Gone is the hair, and here is an additional 20lbs. A note from a male friend: Watch out for girls with only face shots. A nice face shot can hide a not-so-well-kept body.

Your profession: Petroleum transfer specialist means you pump gas, don’t try to sugar coat it buddy. Student – yet you have taken the last three semesters off and are living with your parents, coining it in on EI? No thanks. My favourites are “I got one” or “It shouldn’t matter”…well, it actually DOES matter because even though my profile says “not looking for anything serious” in the long run, everyone is – eventually someone is going to want to marry you and may even have your children. Are you going to be able to support them? Because, listen honey, if a child just spent nine-months hanging out in MY uterus, you bet your ass I am taking the mat-leave.

Military guys: Just say you are in the military, OK? The only people who actually care and will dismiss you are are university chicks, and, let’s face it, you don’t want to date them anyway. The rest of the world is just happy you have a job and most likely have good personal hygiene.

You have children: A lot of guys won’t post that they do in their profile, and then you find out that they do, they just think girls won’t want to date them if they say that they do. You know what? You are probably right. That being said, I am not going to want to date you anymore when I find out after date three than if I find out up front. More than that, I feel bad for the child because you aren’t proud enough of them to only want to date girls who are OK with kids.

You have a girlfriend: Hey there! You’re my friend’s boyfriend. How about I send this link to her and you go eff yourself?!

The guys that tell these lies would probably call me shallow. Who knows? You are never going to find out, are you? When my very first impression of you is a lie, I don’t hold much hope for our future. Keep it honest boys, then at least when you do find someone they will want you for you and not some imaginary cover that you made up.

- Lynx and Smokie

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Dude Looks Like a Lady…

I got a message the other day on POF from a woman.

No. Wait. Let me rephrase that.

I got a message on POF the other day from a guy.

I don't even want to know what would happen if she ate my last rice cake...

No. That isn’t right either.

I got a message on POF the other day from a man that looked like a woman.

Better, but still not quite right.

For those of you that don’t know, you can place certain filters on who can message you. Mine are set so that only men, ages 24-34 within 100km of Halifax can message me. So when I got this message, and checked out the pictures and saw a stunningly beautiful woman, I just figured one had gotten through the cracks. But then I read the profile.

She was a man, living as a woman, that was still interested in women. She was BEAUTIFUL. But still has her “man parts”. My mind went through two immediate thought processes:

1)      I do not want to date this person.

2)      I want her to be my best friend!

Don’t get me wrong, I am 100% a-OK with the transgendered. I am friends with many and have friends whose family members have gone through the proper surgeries. You have to do what you have to do to be happy with yourself. But what is came down to was – could I date a man that was more feminine and womanly than I was? This prompted a full discussion between me, Lynx and Roommate (who just happens to be a gay man). Would you date this person? For me, I couldn’t. I am attracted to men. I don’t want to have to argue with someone about who gets to wear the black pumps. I don’t want someone who takes longer to get ready than I do. Roommate was in the same boat – he likes manly men. Lynx, however, thought about it for awhile and decided that (for the right person) maybe it could be the best of both worlds. You get to do the fun things – shopping, girly movies, martinis, and then “get poked” too.

How do you say “I don’t want to date you, but I want you to be my best friend” without coming across as rude? And in addition to that, how do you word it? “I want to be your best friend because you are unique in the way that you have a dick!”? I am totally the type of person that would be drunk at a house party and shout out “Hey everyone! This is my friend Joan*! SHE HAS A PENIS!” Then she would get mad at me, we would fight and she wouldn’t let me borrow her Chanel lip-gloss anymore. So I saved myself the drama and didn’t message her back. But oh, how I wanted to.

- Smokie

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent

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Reasons We Won’t Date You

As far as I am concerned, online dating gives you the right to be picky. You reserve the right to be shallow. Your online profile is pretty much your resume – it says a lot about you, even if you don’t say anything – and I will judge you based on this. With POF you can set a lot of filters, but people always slip through the cracks. There is nothing worse than getting a message and then fifteen minutes later getting the follow-up “why haven’t you responded?”…it happens more than you know! To save writing this to each individual that I have decided not to reply to, here is a list of the reasons why I won’t date someone…

  • You can’t spell
  • You wear flat brimmed hats
  • We have nothing in common
  • Your hobbies include ‘fixing your truck’ or ‘xbox’
  • You are unemployed
  • Your username contains the number 69
  • No face pictures
  • Only one picture, and it looks suspiciously Photoshopped
  • You don’t like animals
  • You are too old
  • You are too young
  • You are homophobic
  • You are too short
  • You have never been in a relationship
  • You talk like a ‘playa’
  • You called me baby, dear, beautiful or sexy in your first message

A tab “Reasons We Won’t Date You” has been added to the top of the blog – keep checking back for updates, this list is ongoing! Stay tuned for “Reasons We Won’t Go On a Second Date With You”.

Cheers,

Smokie

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We finally did it!

After months of talking about it, Lynx and I finally decided to start up our blog chronicling our attempts at online dating. We both work in Social Media, but neither of us has had the drive to actually attempt it. That is, until this past weekend, when we had yet another, hilarious, POF story to share.

Picture it: Lynx and I are sitting at home Sunday afternoon, lounging on the couch(es) after a poor attempt at picking up the night before at the Toothy Moose. A message comes through Lynx’s phone – it is a guy on POF.The message reads

“So out of all the words used to describe a woman the ones that come up the most are: Adorable, Sexy, Hot, and Cute. I’m not sure which word to pick to describe you, I think you might just be the perfect mix! Now on top of all this CutaSexaHotAdorability you wrote a nice little introduction of yourself. I love smart and articulate women. I’m not looking to change anything about another person (except maybe her address and last name way down the road) I belive that love comes with acceptance and generosity. Needless to say, I’m ready for love in my life and I want it to be with a stellar girl like yourself! (just to be clear, LOL, I did not just tell you I love you)” (sic)

Cute right? Except for the fact that I had received the EXACT SAME MESSAGE the day before. Do we sit back and ignore the guy? No. In fact, Lynx takes it upon herself to respond.

“Wow! That was one of the sweetest messages I have ever read. Almost as sweet as when I read it the first time when you sent it to my friend a few days ago. Careful with copy and paste, buddy, Halifax is a small town!”

He actually responded! He replied that he was an “evil genius”.

Really? What part of this was genius? Neither of us – two attractive, bright females, are going to go on a date with you now. Not that we would have went on a date with you before, but it’s cemented now.

Moral of the story: If you copy and paste messages to girls on a dating website, what does that say about the effort you will put into a relationship?

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